Feeling disconnected in your relationship? Try these things…
Relationships tend to feel the squeeze this time of year. Calendars fill themselves, everyone is running on half batteries, and the tiny moments that keep us close can slip through the cracks without us even noticing. So for December’s Feminine Forum, we brought in someone who knows this season better than most… Charlotte Cummings.
Charlotte is a Relationship Counsellor with twenty years in the chair and a knack for explaining the real stuff in a way that feels doable rather than daunting.
She’s written this month’s Forum as a kind of gentle reset.
A reminder that connection isn’t lost in one big moment. It’s usually the little things that go missing first. And the little things that bring us back to each other too.
Think of this as your grounding read before the Christmas madness hits its peak. A few ideas you can tuck into your back pocket so your relationship feels held, even when everything else is loud.
Here’s Charlotte…
Feeling disconnected in your relationship? Try these things…
So many couples I work with tell me they feel distant — they still care about each other, but somewhere between the school runs, work pressure and life admin, the closeness has faded.
Connection rarely disappears in one big moment. It slips away slowly, as the little gestures that once made us feel seen — the check-ins, the touches, the jokes — get replaced by efficiency and exhaustion. Before long, you can find yourselves living side by side, but not really with each other.
The truth is that connection isn’t luck; it’s built from small, deliberate choices made over and over again. Here are some of the ways I encourage couples to begin rebuilding it.
Notice the ‘Bids’
Connection begins in micro-moments. When your partner says, “You should’ve seen what happened today,” or reaches for your hand, that’s a bid for connection — a tiny invitation to engage.
You can choose to turn toward them (respond), away (ignore), or against (react). Research shows that couples who regularly turn toward each other feel far more secure and happy. You don’t have to respond perfectly — just stay awake to those moments and catch the ball when it’s thrown your way.
Bring Back the Basics
Never underestimate the power of simple rituals. A genuine good-morning, a hug goodbye, making them a coffee — these are the glue of everyday intimacy. They say, I see you.
It’s surprisingly easy to live under one roof and still drift apart. Start reinstating small points of contact in your daily rhythm; they matter more than you think.
The Basics:
Do what you need to Down-Regulate
This one’s crucial. If you’re both coming together tense, rushed, or overstimulated, your nervous systems can’t find each other. One of the best things for your relationship is take care of your own wellbeing and stress levels.
Connection thrives when we meet from a place of calm rather than chaos. Your own efforts to de-stress and downregulate will pay dividends in your relationship.
Create Rhythms That Support Connection
Connection doesn’t appear by accident. Make space for it. Choose one or two nights a week where you put your phones away and spend intentional time together — cooking, walking, laughing, talking.
Having predictable “on” times gives you both something to anticipate, instead of hoping connection happens in the leftover moments.
Talk About Feelings, Not Just Facts
Many couples get stuck at the surface — who’s doing what and when. Try dropping down a layer. Ask, “How was that for you?” or “What’s been hard about that?”
These questions open a window into your partner’s emotional world. The goal isn’t to fix, just to understand. Feeling heard is one of the most powerful forms of closeness.
Put the Phone Away
Even brief phone-free time can transform your connection. When your eyes meet more often, oxytocin (the bonding hormone) rises and stress levels drop. Try keeping phones out of the bedroom or switching them off after dinner, at least some of the time. Your attention is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other.
Share Appreciation and Praise
Instead of “Thanks for doing the dishes,” try, “When you do that, I feel cared for and supported.” It’s such a simple shift, but it changes the tone of the relationship. Everyone wants to feel seen for their effort and their heart, not just their output. And, partners do more when they know the impact their actions have on you.
Handle Conflict with Care
Conflict isn’t failure; it’s inevitable. What matters is how quickly you repair. Take ownership, calm down before re-engaging, and aim to shorten the distance between you after tension. Over time, smoother repairs build deeper safety.
A Final Thought
If you’re feeling disconnected, don’t accept it as the new normal. Disconnection is just a sign that your relationship needs attention. Start small. Notice each other’s bids, slow down, regulate yourself, and rebuild through the little moments.
Connection is less about grand gestures and more about choosing, again and again, to turn toward each other — even on the busy days.
Check out Give Me 10 Minutes, my programme for couples who are too busy to make it to couples counselling but need a relationship re-set. And, you can make the most of the 100+ free episodes of the Feel Better podcast, taking the very best of my 20 years of couples counselling – it’s available on Spotify, Apply Podcasts and YouTube. You’ll find more at: charlottecummings.nz
Written by Charlotte Cummings
